Well, there is something you may not know about me; that I fight giants on the daily and they come big and tall and scary, and at times there are too many, but I walk and I smile confidently.
--- === --- Four years suicidal and many years before depressed;
now five years and a few months healed and healing,
still my heart is put to the test.
I woke and could not lift my head,
at times I slouch and slump,
but God my King is ever holding me,
His Spirit lifts me up.
--- === ---
--- === --- My giant's a right scary brute, he's been hounding me since I was twelve years old and, the way he tells it, he's my closest friend.
He sells me sweet and burning lies, gives a moment's pleasure but in myself I then despise. He comes when I am lonely, when I am sick and when I cry. He comes when others hurt me and when stress all but eats me alive. The giant says that he will comfort me, he calls himself my friend. The giant distracts me for a moment's breath and then tears my heart to shreds.
This giant's a right scary brute, he's been hounding me since I was young.
He calls me homosexual and taunts me in my bed when I am tired and want nothing more than to pray and lay my head. He says, "You are not man enough to live as others can." He calls, "You are not strong enough to fight as others have!" He sneers, "You are not big enough to kiss the maiden's hand." He says no girl would love a man who's head is lost in songs and clouds. He says no friends will laugh or talk with him who admires the dress that Bonnie had instead of discussing what lies under silken gowns. "Men fight and throw and run," he says, "They are crass and not overkind! They hunt the deer and un-dress the doe; they talk shop and yell for sport or say not a word until the day they're swallowed dead! No talk of feelings or of pains for truly manly men."
This giant's a right scary brute; he started whispering when I was still much too young to understand and springs upon me with all his hurt when I think myself a sorry, fragile, broken man.
I thought perhaps when I had grown I'd find him not so big and see his shadow not so long; instead I've found he's with me grown the more and his grip is more the strong.
But God is with me and He is stronger still, He pries the giants from my heart and with love has filled the empty shell.
These giants, they are liars! They hold no love for you or I.
Mine says there can
be no love but that of lust between a man and any such as I. He says there is no
love for me save those demanding my spirit die.
No!
Nehemiah, that great builder of the wall, returned the priestly singers
to the temple halls; and David, the warrior king, is famous for his psalms! God, my Father God, decks the noonday sea with the glittering of
sunny jewels; with loving hands He dressed the flowers and lay them in
the meadow by His wisdom, untouched by earthly tools. I was not made for sword or
shield, nor flowing blood's dark red; born for pen and many colored
inks to callous and stain these strong and mighty hands! I do not shout,
I sing my songs! And more the for it I am heard. Without discretion I
observe the world and heed my Father's words.
Still, sometimes
the giant catches up, grabs hold and demands I return again; usually,
when I've chosen to wander off from God and His company, when I look to
be alone and am relying on my own strength. These giants know the strength of my God. I have a choice and
sometimes I look back, and for the pain of it all I cry; but God never
really leaves us alone. He hears my call and pulls me back and holds me
close. Confused, tired, and afraid I may kick and scream but He gently
calls my name and wipes the pillars of salt from my eyes. He lifts me
and, not only does He rescue me, He gives me strength and courage of
heart to help me stand; He gives the honor that we'd together knock the
giant flat.
Someday, with gentle smile and
great respect, I'll kiss the maiden's hand; and not before our wedding
vows will we together lay in bed. She'll be my wife, I'll be her man,
and by the strength of God we'll stand.
--- === ---
It's a
strange and funny thing to see the world change; more the frightening
the landscape of one's own dogged and calloused soul.
It hurts to break
the old bonds but freedom holds me tightly still.
The Truth stings but
heals old scars and every festering wound.
God mends the broken pot,
He gives glory and honor to those who were bound by shame.
--- === ---
So now you know something new about me, just a few of the giants I fight on the daily. They come big and tall and scary, and at times there are too many, but for my confidence in the freedom of Christ I choose to walk and smile confidently.
If only everyone knew that the bigger they are the harder they fall.
If He's with me I can take them all and so I'll have no fear fighting life by His side.
If only everyone knew how giants fall. . .
Well, measuring my stature and my bravery I may not be intimidating, but I stand as tall as I am
ready for the giants set against me and. . . I wonder who should be
smiling! :)
When I am weak He is strong
Diametrically I am opposed
I lose everything To gain it all
And on the tree Where love was slain The rightful king He did reclaim From giants grip My soul was saved Now at His feet broken I lay See, the bigger they are the harder they fall.
If it's Him and us we can take them all
and we'll have no fear fighting life by his side
Oh! If only everyone knew how giants fall and how the shaking of their thrashing and their crashing wakes the sleepers' hearts to hear the Father's call.
"Escape the ordinary", said this past Sunday at our first team meeting for the fast approaching trip to Mexico.
ORDINARY
or·di·nar·y
As an adjective, "With no special or distinctive features; what is normal, uninteresting, and commonplace.
Such as our usual, unexceptional, habitual, conventional, run-of-the-mill, everyday, routine, day-to-day choices.
Those plain-vanilla, garden-variety, nothing to write home about choices of ours that never lead to change.
Interestingly one might say quotidian, though nonetheless pedestrian.
Far from what is abnormal, unusual, or exceptional.
As a noun, "What is commonplace or standard."
---
Do I want my life to be commonplace, uninteresting, unexceptional, and conventional?
What about you?
Well, don't get me wrong. The question here isn't, "Do you/I want to be a very special snowflake?"
The point of this question isn't to ask, "Do you want to be different from everyone else?"
To those caught up in that, I'm sorry, but you've missed the point.
That one-in-a-million talent, speaking literally, could be matched or exceeded by +7000 people. That means not only everyone in your high school, but probably the whole district. Yes, that means there are a bunch of genius elementary students who can totally blow you out of the water.
And that's speaking of something really unique.
Yes, you, meaning the entirety of your person, are a unique and special individual. However, that is you in your entirety. It is very unlikely that either you, me, or your little brother Johnny are likely to have any singularly uniquely defining features, whether that be a skill, a talent, our appearance, our knowledge or any other trait that might be considered.
And you know what? That isn't a bad thing.
The reality is that each of us have our own "ordinary", what matters is just what kind of ordinary we make it. Do I want my ordinary day to be the ordinary of Kelly Clark, the four time olympian and two time medalist, who trains her heart out doing the things she loves, or a guy who follows a billion TV shows and comic series but waits around for a month and a half before sitting down to write a blog post?
Will my ordinary be like that of Anjezë Gonxhe Bojaxhiu or a guy who rarely leaves the house without need?
A disciple of Christ or a laggard just floating by in the world?
There are thousands of olypmians each year, tens of thousands who change the world everyday, and hundreds of millions who give their love and their life to and for Christ.
There are amazing, gifted, hard working athletes who never hold a medal. There are Pauls and Peters and Billy Grahams and a great many Pastor Johnnys who faithfully Sheppard little churches in the countryside and visit the local hospital to pray with the sick and dying.
There's a day to day routine when climbing Mount Everest; one sees quite a few rocks and a great deal of snow. A mountain climber will see stunning view after stunning view, but the summit still only comes once a climb. Climbing a mountain and looking down upon trees like the grass of a field and lakes like puddles may never be boring; but after a hundred climbs and many years those views will still become something like the usual.
Occasionally a new harness, a new rope, a new pack or replaced gear. . . but always the same knots tied time and time again.
What most will never do, never know, never see. . . becomes the ordinary, day to day routine.
It is stunning, spectacular, inspiring and makes your heart burn. . . but it is not strange, and it is no longer unique.
That is life, and that is fine. What is old may no less be beautiful, and sometimes the well used need not grown worn; or, perhaps, will be the more beautiful still for it.
So, will my life be ordinary?
Not that no two days must ever be the same, but will I choose extraordinary?
If everyone always and quite naturally chose to try hard, to fight hard, to run hard, and love with a heart that burns for a stranger's soul. . . now that would be a wonderful commonplace and quite the beautiful everyday normal.
But being like that, always striving for the best, that's each person's choice.
It's your choice.
It's my choice.
I guess I'm asking it wrong. Not, "Do I want my life to be ordinary?"
I'll always have my own day-to-day; no matter how changing life becomes it's always the same sun that rises.
But. . . Will I make like a child with paints upon the canvas of my life? With little effort will I poorly copy someone else' style and designs while calling it my own?
Or will I truly give myself to God and become His masterpiece according to His vision and glorious design?
Either way the paint will be dipped a hundred times, but to which end?
I want my life to be God's chosen beautiful ordinary.
I want to imagine boldly, ask boldly, choose boldly, live boldly, risk boldly, and speak boldly in response to the love that was shown with arms held boldly open in life and freely stretched wide in death.
I want to boldly dance no matter who is watching and sing praise to my Love even when others think me strange, contemptible or insane. (2 Samuel 6:12-21)
I want to follow my Creator's wisdom even while friends and strangers thinks me a fool. (1 Corinthians 1:17-31, 1 Corinthians 3:18-20)
I want to do those crazy things the Lord puts on my heart even when others say it just isn't done. (Luke 18:27-30, Joshua, Gideon, Esther, David again, and more)
I want to offer mercy to the murderer and love the liar, showing kindness as did my Christ.
I will sacrifice in worship what could otherwise be an easy, careless life and give my all even while suffering great loss.
By God's grace and in His Spirit I will keep changing, keep growing, keep falling deeper and deeper in love with Him who chose me and saved me and adopted me and holds me, and I will not settle for what I have done nor even what I am now doing. My God will not leave me to stagnate in the things that have always worked; I will not falter when the path He sets turns.
And I trust that should I misstep, when I misstep, when I become distracted and wander or lose sight of Him for the brambles and thorns. . . He will be my light, He will call my name and bring me back and someday He will bring me to the end of this journey and welcome me home.
I will continue to escape the ordinary and transcend This Present Moment.
----
=====
---- NEWS
As of Sunday I have officially joined the Mexico mission team at Crossroads Community Church for this year's annual trip to Heromosillo, Mexico and surrounding areas.
Our team is now at 42 people, including 10-ish (by my precisely astute reckoning) doctors and nurses forming a mobile clinic team that will head out to surrounding villages. Other areas of service on the trip include: support for the mobile clinic such as setup, organizing patients, and assisting the pharmacy staff; child care for families attending the mobile clinic; door-to-door outreach; teen ministry; and a prison outreach.
What group I will be in has not yet been decided. There is a high possibility I will take part in the children's ministry group, helping with games, and lessons, face painting, making balloon animals and other fun stuff. However, I am interested in stepping out of my comfort zone for service on this trip; we'll what happens and where the Lord has me.
Perhaps worth noting, because of the changing needs of each day, regardless of which group I or the others are assigned to, we may be shuffled from one group to another to fill holes or special needs or just give someone a chance to try serving in a way they never have before. (:D YAY! / yaaaay? D: breaking out o' dem comfort zones)
The cost of this trip is $1200/person, including airfare; some of this goes towards the transport of medical supplies and other equipment to Heromosillo, separate from our flight. (Yeah. . . the boxes of vaccines don't really fit in our luggage.)
I have already put forth $300 towards the trip. This covers the initial deposit of $200 as well as part of the first payment. Each payment is $250, the due dates are listed below. Payments are spaced out so that our entire team's airline tickets may be purchased all at once, ensuring we fly together and arrive together.
---
Deposit due July 17th - PAID
1st payment due August 7th - OWED ($150 owed. Yes, I joined the team a bit late.)
2nd payment due August 28th - 2 DAYS
3rd payment due September 18th
Final payment due October 4th
Our team will leave for Hermosillo Saturday morning, October 17th
We will return Sunday night, October 25th
---
Frankly speaking, I could pay for this trip out of my savings. . . however, that would be more than half my savings and put purchasing a car on pause. Again.
And at the age of 23 I'd really like to finally start driving.
So, that said, I'd like to ask for your support on this trip; if you think this sounds like a totally awesome thing then please take part with your prayers and donation! :D
(prayer suggestions below)
Support can be sent electronically at http://www.gofundme.com/TPMoment (For those unfamiliar, GoFundMe is a crowdfunding site. This site will never add additional charges to your donations. The amount you choose to donate will be the one and only charge to your account.)
by mail to:
406 NE 122nd Avenue
Vancouver, WA 98684
or in person (contact me via e-mail at dylan.wilkinson@hotmail.com if you'd like to get in touch)
Donations can be tax deductible IF:
1. Checks are written to Crossroads Community Church.
2. My name (Dylan Wilkinson) is on an attached piece of paper or post-it note so that the church knows to who's account the donation should be credited. DO NOT write my name ON the check. (This is a Very Important Point)
3. Donations are mailed to me (see above) so that I am fully aware of my payment status and who all I have to thank. ;)
4. (optional but super cool) Include your e-mail address so I can keep you updated about what's happening and tell you directly about the trip afterwards.
Unfortunately donations made through the GoFundMe campaign will not be tax deductible, though they will still be very much appreciated.
===============
Things to pray for
===============
e-mail me at dylan.wilkinson@hotmail.com if you would like to be kept up-to-date on continual prayer needs
That God will be glorified by this trip
That we would be filled and walking with the Holy Spirit
For God to show Himself in a mighty way
That God would raise up laborers
Boldness and courage as we communicate the truth
For the believers of Hermosillo and for their pastors and leaders
For the people of Hermosillo
For unity among team members and our brothers and sisters in Hermosillo
Spiritual, emotional, and physical health
Spiritual growth for all members of the team
Effective translators
Protection for our loved ones at home
That God lead us to people who are "ripe" for the harvest
Many opportunities to share the Gospel
That God will open the hearts of many
Understanding of God's grace and assurance
Effective follow-up of new believers, that they would grow deepen their relationship with God and Christ
That they and us would be filled with and heed the leading of the Holy Spirit
Traveling mercies
Victory over Satan
Protection from governmental interference
Financial support, both for me and the other team members
There is one issue that brings me up short and has forced me to hesitate
about taking part in this mission trip; that being my remaining balance
to Potter's Field Ministries for my time in the IGNITE365 mission and
discipleship program back in 2011. It is more than half paid off with a
remaining balance of $2,360.
Being run over by a truck set my finances back a ways, though I am now
finally approaching a point where I may again make regular payments.
However, while Potter's Field Ministries has been very gracious in
leaving me to pay back my portion of the mission trip in my own time, as
I am able, I still feel uncomfortable raising support for another
mission trip while this is still owed.
Therefore, although it feels awkward doing so after the mission trip is already over, I am also beginning a second GoFundMe campaign to support the closing of this debt from my previous mission trip.
For every dollar raised in support of the Mexico mission trip
I will also put a dollar towards paying down my balance with PFM,
either by way of additional donations or my car savings. Funds raised in
excess of the Mexico mission trip will also be put towards paying this
balance.
Should by some miracle the funds raised exceed both the
trip to Hermosillo and my PFM balance (Praise my Adonai for He is
capable of all things!) than I will use the funds to support any
member(s) of our team who are having difficulty raising funds.
Should
all other team members be paid for I will go up the list of donors,
starting with the most recent, and provide the offer of either refunding
their donation or putting the donation towards living expenses while
studying at the Moody Bible Institute in Fall of 2016.
If you are interested, my previous blog A Verse from the Woods was begun while studying with Potter's Field Ministries and contains a number of personal Bible study series.
"May the bridges I have burned light my way back home"
So this isn't actually about Fall Out Boy, but let's start at the beginning:
I was curious about Fall Out Boy's "Fourth of July"; I'd seen the album cover a few times. a somber boy with a black US flag painted on half his face, but never heard the song. Suffice it to say the song isn't really about independence day or anything of the like, it could be titled "Summer Fireworks" as easily as it could be titled "Fourth of July." Neat tune, though, and I can appreciate the quality of lyricism and poetry.
However, one line really caught my attention; the aforementioned, "May the bridges I have burned light my way back home". Sometimes there are people or things in our lives that are unhealthy for us, be they friends, drugs or porn, that lead us away from God. Sometimes they jerk us off a cliff and other times they whisper while offering gentle nudges to the wayside.
Sometimes God calls us to the difficult or even painful task of "burning the bridges" to those past relationships. Sometimes God even does it on His own without offering us a choice in the matter. (Beyond, perhaps, the mistake of flinging ourselves into those flames.)
Sometimes God uses the the fires of the paths we will no longer travel in those times of uncertainty, difficulty and desperation to light our way to sanctuary.
While it may not seem nearly so grandiose as burning a bridge, this year God did show me that my program of study for the past year and career to be. . . were not to be. That was hard, and even painful. Like being stabbed with a spoon. I'd been working while attending school; paid for my own classes; used the bus system to save money so that I could afford school; and all this in the midst and recovery from a being run over by a car. (Which took me out of work for several months and forced the use of the remainder of my savings to stay on track with course requirements.)
I was thoroughly invested in the program. I had chosen to study exercise science after much deliberation, research and prayer. This wasn't a trial-run-major to be changed as my interests developed. (Did I mention that all my credits, aside from a few general ed classes, were non-transferable and extremely degree specific?) This was my fully intended career and future.
Until that year of "effort" brought me to the point of tears begging God to "let me out". I'd made a commitment to follow through on the program. This may seem a small thing to others but it was an intended-to-be absolute commitment without which I may not have started the program. A commitment that I would stick through it no matter how I felt at any given time. Now I was begging God to free me from what had become a noose. I was stuck in the rut of my own stubborn making.
To be clear, I didn't want out because the program was too difficult. I wanted out because I could see what was happening to my heart and to my head. There was no way to stop it in and of myself; as I climbed the hill of the path I'd chosen and began to catch glimpses of the horizon the future became more clear and it wasn't a future to aspire. Where I thought to find relief and purpose would instead hold greater pain and deeper obsession. The path I traveled would not lead to high places, but to lonely valleys.
Now, you would be right to ask how I came to that place if I'd prayed; and assuredly, I did pray. I prayed a lot. However, to my chagrin the answer wasn't, "Yes, be personal trainer. Exercise science, study that."
This was one of those wonderfully difficult times where you ask God for life directions, or more specifically for a destination in life, and He comes back saying, "I made you with free will and it's awesome! So you choose somewhere or something and then I'll help you out with THAT."
So that's what God said (paraphrased) when I asked, "Where should I go I don't know what to doooo!? Income future career ministry uncertainty life!!1 a/slagsjf;gadf'ga"
About studying exercise science? The answer was more along the lines of. . . "I'm not going to lie, it's your choice but this isn't the best I have for you. There are benefits for you on this path but there will be pain, too, and it may not be what you expect."
But, to my shame, I couldn't see other paths being appropriate or feasible (as if any path is infeasible to God) or, frankly, as appealing as work in the health and fitness industry. It was a good outlet for my own past struggles and experiences*, to put them to use helping others, and there were many other positives besides. However, that I found something to be the best, most logical choice, doesn't mean that God didn't have a better way.
Now I've spent two weeks deliberating, with great stress, over the continuation of a career that might mean my spiritual ruin, but to which I was firmly committed.
Then God said, "Uh, no. That may have been your own personal commitment, but this has well and exceeded the point where this path was potentially good. In fact, you kind of fell off that path; you might be able to get back on track, eventually, but it's going to be grueling and wholly unnecessary journey."
Then I was all, "But, but, but God! What am I going to do instead!? I can't just do nothing! D,: "
Then God was kind of like, "Shhhhhhhh. It's OK. I've got you covered. And it's a secret btw."
And I was like, "But I want to knoooooooooow."
Then God was all, "Nope."
Then I was panic-sobbing, "But what do I tell people!!?"
Then God just matter of factly said, "People aren't really the important one's in this conversation. Who are you talking too?"
Then I just kind of sat there, ". . ."
The prayers went something like that, though the tone might have been very different in a great many places and God didn't really answer like that at all. . . plus I kept praying for the next two weeks wondering if something would change.
It didn't.
But, y'know, rabbit-trail following drama-lamas aside. . .
I then begin looking into Bible colleges and mission opportunities, Moody being one of the first I look into, and discover that all students are scholarshipped through private grants to the college. Now, to be clear, tuition costs are not a good standalone reason for decisions about Bible college. I was actually very cautious about Moody and researched extensively to make sure everything was on the up-and-up**; that the subjects of study are in line with where God is leading me; that the lifestyle/campus life/faculty/etc promotes the development of our relationship with God first, not only inundation with head knowledge (as awesome as Bible knowledge may be); and that it would be a place of growth and discipleship, not only teaching.
So check, check, check, more checks, etc.
I prayed about Moody and I prayed about many other places and I continued to look into where God was leading for this next season.
One very promising door God very firmly and kindly closed. Others he showed didn't match up with what he wanted for me, or, like the degree in exercise science, might be a good route to take but would not be His best. He has given me uncertainty for paths that might be good but for which I am not yet ready. I'm sure he's hidden some options that could be great but just aren't right. Practically there are a great many that he simply hasn't shown a way for. (Now, I will say that if he gave a decisive leading to more seriously pursue a route that seemed at first impossible, either fiscally or otherwise, I know that he could provide a way, I've learned my lesson from the last time, but there hasn't been anything like that, at all, so I'm not going to bother worrying about those "could be"s.)
Anyway, this first present moment has been rather littered with rabbit trails. Remember the lyrics that sparked this post? "May the bridges I have burned light my way back home".
I can say from personal experience, just in these last few months, that God has used the torch of my burning bridge to show the way back to His rest in a multitude of interconnected ways.
Just because God calls us to burn a bridge or two (or ten) doesn't mean he's leaving us stranded. He's often keeping us from a far worse destination than our present pain. He is most assuredly leading us to a place far better than anything that might be found on the other side of what will likely come to be a long forgotten bridge.
Admittedly, many bridges are far bigger, grandeur, and more painful to burn than a year of college courses and my entire life plan. Also, sometimes the hurting that will be found or come from the other side of that bridge is not so clearly seen as it was for me. I knew what personal demons I was running from; you may see only the wisps of a dark shadow, or perhaps even the glimpses of what seems a beautiful garden. God's call to burn the bridge may seem incomprehensible, even wrong by our own economy. In fact, I would even argue that burning our bridges often seems the worst course of action; the nuke for an old building needing demolished.
Let me be clear in stating that our economy, our thoughts, our impressions, and our knowledge of things to come do not rival Gods. They can hardly be said to compare.
If God calls us to burn a bridge, light the fire and walk away. Don't make God do it for you and don't turn back from the new path God has set. If you can't find it? Keep looking. Even if the way is hard to find the fires in your past may yet light the way forward. Trust in His Word and your way will yet be revealed.
Long and rough the road may be
In God happy end is certainty***
* Topics for another day. Based on current events I would predict certain issues and things coming up sooner than later; but still, not at this present moment. (Hardy har harrr~ [translation: "lol"])
** Like, y'know, making sure they actually believe in God at Moody and don't just
claim to be Christian. (Hey, just because someone calls themselves a Christian, even if they go to church, doesn't mean they care about God or Christ or the Holy Spirit or anything they've said at all. As Taylor Swift says,
there are a lot of liars and dirty, dirty cheats in the world. Gotta
shake 'em off! With WISDOM. And prayer. Then tell them about real-Jesus.
It's great, though I might be stretching the limits of poetic license here. Tee-hee? <3)
**** I have work in the morning, my brain is getting weird, and my grammar and punctuation may or may not have started to collapse a few paragraphs ago. . . plus the hurdle of this first blog post has been brought to it's thorough completion. Time to sleep! Sleeeeeeeep~
