Confessions of a Young Adult Giant Slayer

Well, there is something you may not know about me; that I fight giants on the daily and they come big and tall and scary, and at times there are too many, but I walk and I smile confidently.

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Four years suicidal and many years before depressed;

now five years and a few months healed and healing,

still my heart is put to the test.

I woke and could not lift my head,

at times I slouch and slump,

but God my King is ever holding me,

His Spirit lifts me up.

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My giant's a right scary brute, he's been hounding me since I was twelve years old and, the way he tells it, he's my closest friend.

He sells me sweet and burning lies, gives a moment's pleasure but in myself I then despise. He comes when I am lonely, when I am sick and when I cry. He comes when others hurt me and when stress all but eats me alive. The giant says that he will comfort me, he calls himself my friend. The giant distracts me for a moment's breath and then tears my heart to shreds.

This giant's a right scary brute, he's been hounding me since I was young.

He calls me homosexual and taunts me in my bed when I am tired and want nothing more than to pray and lay my head. He says, "You are not man enough to live as others can." He calls, "You are not strong enough to fight as others have!" He sneers, "You are not big enough to kiss the maiden's hand." He says no girl would love a man who's head is lost in songs and clouds. He says no friends will laugh or talk with him who admires the dress that Bonnie had instead of discussing what lies under silken gowns. "Men fight and throw and run," he says, "They are crass and not overkind! They hunt the deer and un-dress the doe; they talk shop and yell for sport or say not a word until the day they're swallowed dead! No talk of feelings or of pains for truly manly men."

This giant's a right scary brute; he started whispering when I was still much too young to understand and springs upon me with all his hurt when I think myself a sorry, fragile, broken man.

I thought perhaps when I had grown I'd find him not so big and see his shadow not so long; instead I've found he's with me grown the more and his grip is more the strong.

But God is with me and He is stronger still, He pries the giants from my heart and with love has filled the empty shell.

These giants, they are liars! They hold no love for you or I.

Mine says there can be no love but that of lust between a man and any such as I. He says there is no love for me save those demanding my spirit die.

No! 

Nehemiah, that great builder of the wall, returned the priestly singers to the temple halls; and David, the warrior king, is famous for his psalms! God, my Father God, decks the noonday sea with the glittering of sunny jewels; with loving hands He dressed the flowers and lay them in the meadow by His wisdom, untouched by earthly tools. I was not made for sword or shield, nor flowing blood's dark red; born for pen and many colored inks to callous and stain these strong and mighty hands! I do not shout, I sing my songs! And more the for it I am heard. Without discretion I observe the world and heed my Father's words.

Still, sometimes the giant catches up, grabs hold and demands I return again; usually, when I've chosen to wander off from God and His company, when I look to be alone and am relying on my own strength. These giants know the strength of my God. I have a choice and sometimes I look back, and for the pain of it all I cry; but God never really leaves us alone. He hears my call and pulls me back and holds me close. Confused, tired, and afraid I may kick and scream but He gently calls my name and wipes the pillars of salt from my eyes. He lifts me and, not only does He rescue me, He gives me strength and courage of heart to help me stand; He gives the honor that we'd together knock the giant flat.

Someday, with gentle smile and great respect, I'll kiss the maiden's hand; and not before our wedding vows will we together lay in bed. She'll be my wife, I'll be her man, and by the strength of God we'll stand. 

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It's a strange and funny thing to see the world change;
more the frightening the landscape of one's own dogged and calloused soul.

 It hurts to break the old bonds but freedom holds me tightly still.

 The Truth stings but heals old scars and every festering wound.

 

God mends the broken pot,

He gives glory and honor to those who were bound by shame. 

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So now you know something new about me, just a few of the giants I fight on the daily. They come big and tall and scary, and at times there are too many, but for my confidence in the freedom of Christ I choose to walk and smile confidently.

If only everyone knew that the bigger they are the harder they fall.

If He's with me I can take them all and so I'll have no fear fighting life by His side.

If only everyone knew how giants fall. . .

Well, measuring my stature and my bravery I may not be intimidating, but I stand as tall as I am ready for the giants set against me and. . . I wonder who should be smiling! :)

When I am weak
He is strong

Diametrically
I am opposed

I lose everything
To gain it all

And on the tree
Where love was slain
The rightful king
He did reclaim
From giants grip
My soul was saved
Now at His feet broken I lay

See, the bigger they are the harder they fall.

If it's Him and us we can take them all

and we'll have no fear fighting life by his side

Oh! If only everyone knew how giants fall and how the shaking of their thrashing and their crashing wakes the sleepers' hearts to hear the Father's call.

"May the bridges I have burned light my way back home. . ."

"May the bridges I have burned light my way back home"

So this isn't actually about Fall Out Boy, but let's start at the beginning:

I was curious about Fall Out Boy's "Fourth of July"; I'd seen the album cover a few times. a somber boy with a black US flag painted on half his face, but never heard the song. Suffice it to say the song isn't really about independence day or anything of the like, it could be titled "Summer Fireworks" as easily as it could be titled "Fourth of July." Neat tune, though, and I can appreciate the quality of lyricism and poetry.

However, one line really caught my attention; the aforementioned, "May the bridges I have burned light my way back home". Sometimes there are people or things in our lives that are unhealthy for us, be they friends, drugs or porn, that lead us away from God. Sometimes they jerk us off a cliff and other times they whisper while offering gentle nudges to the wayside.

 Sometimes God calls us to the difficult or even painful task of "burning the bridges" to those past relationships. Sometimes God even does it on His own without offering us a choice in the matter. (Beyond, perhaps, the mistake of flinging ourselves into those flames.)

Sometimes God uses the the fires of the paths we will no longer travel in those times of uncertainty, difficulty and desperation to light our way to sanctuary.

While it may not seem nearly so grandiose as burning a bridge, this year God did show me that my program of study for the past year and career to be. . . were not to be. That was hard, and even painful. Like being stabbed with a spoon. I'd been working while attending school; paid for my own classes; used the bus system to save money so that I could afford school; and all this in the midst and recovery from a being run over by a car. (Which took me out of work for several months and forced the use of the remainder of my savings to stay on track with course requirements.)

I was thoroughly invested in the program. I had chosen to study exercise science after much deliberation, research and prayer. This wasn't a trial-run-major to be changed as my interests developed. (Did I mention that all my credits, aside from a few general ed classes, were non-transferable and extremely degree specific?) This was my fully intended career and future.

Until that year of "effort" brought me to the point of tears begging God to "let me out". I'd made a commitment to follow through on the program. This may seem a small thing to others but it was an intended-to-be absolute commitment without which I may not have started the program. A commitment that I would stick through it no matter how I felt at any given time. Now I was begging God to free me from what had become a noose. I was stuck in the rut of my own stubborn making.

To be clear, I didn't want out because the program was too difficult. I wanted out because I could see what was happening to my heart and to my head. There was no way to stop it in and of myself; as I climbed the hill of the path I'd chosen and began to catch glimpses of the horizon the future became more clear and it wasn't a future to aspire. Where I thought to find relief and purpose would instead hold greater pain and deeper obsession. The path I traveled would not lead to high places, but to lonely valleys.

Now, you would be right to ask how I came to that place if I'd prayed; and assuredly, I did pray. I prayed a lot. However, to my chagrin the answer wasn't, "Yes, be personal trainer. Exercise science, study that."

This was one of those wonderfully difficult times where you ask God for life directions, or more specifically for a destination in life, and He comes back saying, "I made you with free will and it's awesome! So you choose somewhere or something and then I'll help you out with THAT."

So that's what God said (paraphrased) when I asked, "Where should I go I don't know what to doooo!? Income future career ministry uncertainty life!!1 a/slagsjf;gadf'ga"

About studying exercise science? The answer was more along the lines of. . . "I'm not going to lie, it's your choice but this isn't the best I have for you. There are benefits for you on this path but there will be pain, too,  and it may not be what you expect."

But, to my shame, I couldn't see other paths being appropriate or feasible (as if any path is infeasible to God) or, frankly, as appealing as work in the health and fitness industry. It was a good outlet for my own past struggles and experiences*, to put them to use helping others, and there were many other positives besides. However, that I found something to be the best, most logical choice, doesn't mean that God didn't have a better way.

Now I've spent two weeks deliberating, with great stress, over the continuation of a career that might mean my spiritual ruin, but to which I was firmly committed.

Then God said, "Uh, no. That may have been your own personal commitment, but this has well and exceeded the point where this path was potentially good. In fact, you kind of fell off that path; you might be able to get back on track, eventually, but it's going to be grueling and wholly unnecessary journey."

Then I was all, "But, but, but God! What am I going to do instead!? I can't just do nothing! D,: "

Then God was kind of like, "Shhhhhhhh. It's OK. I've got you covered. And it's a secret btw."

And I was like, "But I want to knoooooooooow."

Then God was all, "Nope."

Then I was panic-sobbing, "But what do I tell people!!?"

Then God just matter of factly said, "People aren't really the important one's in this conversation. Who are you talking too?"

Then I just kind of sat there, ". . ."

The prayers went something like that, though the tone might have been very different in a great many places and God didn't really answer like that at all. . . plus I kept praying for the next two weeks wondering if something would change.

It didn't.

But, y'know, rabbit-trail following drama-lamas aside. . .

I then begin looking into Bible colleges and mission opportunities, Moody being one of the first I look into, and discover that all students are scholarshipped through private grants to the college. Now, to be clear, tuition costs are not a good standalone reason for decisions about Bible college. I was actually very cautious about Moody and researched extensively to make sure everything was on the up-and-up**; that the subjects of study are in line with where God is leading me; that the lifestyle/campus life/faculty/etc promotes the development of our relationship with God first, not only inundation with head knowledge (as awesome as Bible knowledge may be); and that it would be a place of growth and discipleship, not only teaching.

So check, check, check, more checks, etc.

I prayed about Moody and I prayed about many other places and I continued to look into where God was leading for this next season.

One very promising door God very firmly and kindly closed. Others he showed didn't match up with what he wanted for me, or, like the degree in exercise science, might be a good route to take but would not be His best. He has given me uncertainty for paths that might be good but for which I am not yet ready. I'm sure he's hidden some options that could be great but just aren't right. Practically there are a great many that he simply hasn't shown a way for. (Now, I will say that if he gave a decisive leading to more seriously pursue a route that seemed at first impossible, either fiscally or otherwise, I know that he could provide a way, I've learned my lesson from the last time, but there hasn't been anything like that, at all, so I'm not going to bother worrying about those "could be"s.)

Anyway, this first present moment has been rather littered with rabbit trails. Remember the lyrics that sparked this post? "May the bridges I have burned light my way back home".

I can say from personal experience, just in these last few months, that God has used the torch of my burning bridge to show the way back to His rest in a multitude of interconnected ways.

Just because God calls us to burn a bridge or two (or ten) doesn't mean he's leaving us stranded. He's often keeping us from a far worse destination than our present pain. He is most assuredly leading us to a place far better than anything that might be found on the other side of what will likely come to be a long forgotten bridge.

Admittedly, many bridges are far bigger, grandeur, and more painful to burn than a year of college courses and my entire life plan. Also, sometimes the hurting that will be found or come from the other side of that bridge is not so clearly seen as it was for me. I knew what personal demons I was running from; you may see only the wisps of a dark shadow, or perhaps even the glimpses of what seems a beautiful garden. God's call to burn the bridge may seem incomprehensible, even wrong by our own economy. In fact, I would even argue that burning our bridges often seems the worst course of action; the nuke for an old building needing demolished.

Let me be clear in stating that our economy, our thoughts, our impressions, and our knowledge of things to come do not rival Gods. They can hardly be said to compare.

If God calls us to burn a bridge, light the fire and walk away. Don't make God do it for you and don't turn back from the new path God has set. If you can't find it? Keep looking. Even if the way is hard to find the fires in your past may yet light the way forward. Trust in His Word and your way will yet be revealed.

Long and rough the road may be
In God happy end is certainty***

* Topics for another day. Based on current events I would predict certain issues and things coming up sooner than later; but still, not at this present moment. (Hardy har harrr~ [translation: "lol"])

** Like, y'know, making sure they actually believe in God at Moody and don't just claim to be Christian. (Hey, just because someone calls themselves a Christian, even if they go to church, doesn't mean they care about God or Christ or the Holy Spirit or anything they've said at all. As Taylor Swift says, there are a lot of liars and dirty, dirty cheats in the world. Gotta shake 'em off! With WISDOM. And prayer. Then tell them about real-Jesus. It's great, though I might be stretching the limits of poetic license here. Tee-hee? <3)

*** No clue who this young lady is, what she believes, nor the exact context for this blog post of her's. I decided to do a google search for "Long the road may be" and found it. I liked it, even if it doesn't necessarily actually line up exactly with my context at all, so I've decided to link it. Wheeeeeee**** :D

**** I have work in the morning, my brain is getting weird, and my grammar and punctuation may or may not have started to collapse a few paragraphs ago. . . plus the hurdle of this first blog post has been brought to it's thorough completion. Time to sleep! Sleeeeeeeep~